When two people are obliged to live together for their entire lives, the one thing that is absolutely inevitable to surface are the differences between them. The family background and tradition, the style of upbringing, values and personalities creates difference of opinion on various matters within the marital front. This results in arguments, fights, ego clashes plus a whole lot of marital issues. To find solution to the problems, to check the rationality of their own opinion or to just vent out the anger – one often feels a strong urge to talk and discuss with someone about the whole situation. Immediate family, cousins and close friends become the first choice for the couple in question. Though a marriage counselor is a recommended option, Indian mindset still does not consider counselor as a viable option. And if the immediate family consists of elders, they are bound to be more judgmental than giving a patient hearing. So “Friends” remain the only choice for people (especially women) to let it all out.
But beware. Even if at that moment one feels good about the fact that they have someone who understands them, in the long run, it is bound to create a problem with the spouse. It might also influence ones opinion negatively which leads to further complications rather than solutions. If one still feels that talking to friends is the safest option, here are some of the facts which one must consider before sharing one’s extremely personal marital problems with friends.
1 Breach of trust:
Even though you trust your friend with your life, it might not be the same with your spouse. In most of the cases, the spouse feels cheated that some of the most private details are being shared with an outsider. Even if you don’t feel anything odd talking to a friend, your spouse might not feel comfortable or also might get angry that the private life is open for discussion between friends. Some people, who guard their privacy very strongly might feel this as a greatest insult to their relationship.
2 Is the friend really trustworthy?
Women tend to trust more easily when they are going through an emotional crisis. Even with men, after a couple of tequila shots, anyone, even an office acquaintance can become a temporary agony aunt to vent out all the anger. This can be the most detrimental situation to the marriage. Because once the hangover is over, you realize that you have shared far too much with a “not so trustworthy” person and he/she might spill it out to others in the group. Next thing you know is the whole society is discussing how the two of you are finding occasions to criticize/downgrade your spouse. Please. Please. Get a grip on your emotions. At least till the time you reach home.
3 Do you really have a need to share ??
Many a times, when there is a heated argument, people bad mouth about their spouses only in a fit of rage. The issues which can be sorted out by calmly discussing within each other take enormous proportions only because one of the spouse can’t control his/her anger and spill out the beans in front of the friends. Most of the issues does not seem that big once the dust settles down. So before you want to tell that friend of yours how your wife/husband is a jack ass, WAIT !, count till ten, take a deep breath and then think if you really need to talk to someone outside.
4 Your loss becomes some people’s win
However you want to defend your friends and believe that they are well meaning, the fact is there are psychos who actually feel happy when they see problems brewing between their friends. Some of the jerks would even want to advice you negatively in your most fragile state of mind. Once the damage is done and they have influenced you, then they can enjoy the “tamasha” from safe distance. People who show the most concern are the most dangerous of them all, because by showing extra concern, they want to extract the most private problems from you which they can later gossip for months. Better way, identify these people and stay away.
5 Irrelevant influence
Agreed that some of your friends really mean well and they are even known to keep the secret, but they have had a different life than yours altogether. No one has experienced what exactly you have. No one can understand the intensity of your feelings at that moment. So even if they give you a patient hearing, their thoughts can influence you differently which can distract you from your own thoughts, views and values. Especially when you are yourself going through a turmoil, it’s easy to get influenced and disturbed. So even if talking is your last resort, try as much as possible to be generic, casual and balanced.
6 Will you really feel better after talking ?
This is by far the most important question one has to ask before sharing it all. Sometimes, even if you feel that talking is the solution, but after talking you might feel worse than before. This is because, you might not get the expected response, yet you would feel guilty that you have broken your spouse’s trust by saying it all. IF the friend whom you talked with is a common friend, he/she can directly go to your spouse and tell him/her about your “confessions”. That would land you in a bigger soup. Better option is to stay cool and stay mum.
7 Delay in patch up and solution.
Considering that you have a very close, trustworthy and empathetic friend with whom you can share; if you share things then it will create a disruption in your communication with your spouse. Because rather than discussing and finding a solution to the problem, you have given it a temporary “pause”. If after this you have a second argument, the piled on anger from the previous incident will come boiling down and you will drift further apart. It is always best to take your time and clarify your problems with your spouse first to avoid such precarious situations.
8 It doesn’t matter in the end:
If you really love your partner then you are sure that the issues are temporary and unimportant. You are bound to come back together. So it will not matter anyways whether you talked or not !! So next time you have an argument – IGNORE and stop that urge to call your friend !!